New Release: THE BODY DWELLERS by j.a. kazimer

j.a. kazimer is proud to announce the pending release of The Body Dwellers, an urban fantasy/paranormal romance published by Solstice Publishing.


The release date is March 1, 2011 and you can find more info at the author's website: http://www.jakazimer.com.

ARTICLE: Daytime TV: A Valuable Addition to Your Writer's Toolbox - Part 3

Hank Quense writes humorous and satiric fantasy and scifi and an occasional work on fiction writing.  This material was taken from his book on fiction writing Build a Better Story. See http://hankquense.com/BABS-main.html for more details on the book. 

**********************************

Daytime TV: A Valuable Addition to Your Writer's Toolbox - Part 3

(c) 2008 Hank Quense

STORY ISSUES

Plots: A good story has a plot that integrates the elements of the story and allows the reader to suspend her disbelief. In other words, the reader is willing to accept that the plot didn’t happen but could have. To ensure that the reader stays comfortable in her state of suspended disbelief, the writer must eliminate any trace of unbelievable events. These types of events will lurch the reader out of suspended disbelief and end the relationship between her and the author. Yet, the events in the soaps are incredible. A woman falls out of an airborne balloon damaging her hairdo and nothing else. A long-lost object, the subject of a weeks-long futile search, is found by a character with a single phone call to an obscure part of the globe. To a TV-watcher, these incredible events do not stand out because the incidents are masked by the other presentation elements. By listening only, the plot flaws become apparent as does the danger in writing a story with an incredible plot.

Endless scenes: Good writing means a scene ends at a point that teases the reader into turning the page to see what happens next. The soaps, however, won’t give up a good scene without a fierce battle even if the scene has reached its logical conclusion. The same plea/order/advise/command/request/chastisement is repeated for several days. In one soap, a female character held several others hostage and waved a gun at them for an entire week. Every afternoon, she gave the same reasons for her actions in virtually the same words. It’s a wonder her hand didn’t get tired from holding the pistol that long.

CONCLUSIONS:

To offset the soaps, the writer can listen (no peeking!) to Law and Order or one of its many offshoots. Like the soaps, these shows rarely have action scenes and are essentially all dialog. Unlike the soaps, the characters show a range of emotions, speak naturally and don’t use clichés. The plots are coherent and the tension builds during the show. Contrasting one of these shows with the soaps can only serve to improve the writer’s craft.

So, with all these faults, why are the soaps so popular? One basic reason is that the soaps consist of a lot more than the written word. The beautiful people in the cast, the designer clothes and the background music provide enough stimuli to hid a weakness in a single area such as the dialog or plot.

In contrast, we fiction writers can only use our words to convince a reader that our characters are worth caring about. We can’t use colorful or picturesque backdrops for the reader to see; we use no soundtrack and the characters can’t model the latest fashion designs. The reader has to use our words to build her own mental images of the setting and the characters.

While the soaps and novels have very different presentation formats, the script elements of the soaps offer a method for fiction writers to refurbish their writing tools. I recommend a yearly exposure to a few soaps to eliminate rust and to apply a coating of lubricant to keep the writing tools in good condition.

Links:


Website: http://hankquense.com/

Blog: http://hankquense.com/blog

Facebook fan page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Hank-Quenses-Fiction-Writing-Page/102293491907?v=wall

Twitter: http://twitter.com/hanque99


[Note from Blog Hostess:  Thanks, Hank, for this interesting perspective.  I may actually take a peek at TV, now! - Linda]

ARTICLE: Daytime TV: A Valuable Addition to Your Writer's Toolbox - Part 2

Hank Quense writes humorous and satiric fantasy and scifi and an occasional work on fiction writing. This material was taken from his book on fiction writing Build a Better Story. See http://hankquense.com/BABS-main.html for more details on the book.

*********************************

Daytime TV: A Valuable Addition to Your Writer's Toolbox - Part 2 - by Hank Quense

(c) 2008 Hank Quense

CHARACTERIZATION ISSUES

Character Reactions: Memorable characters display a range of emotions just like people do in real life. The more emotions a character can display, the more life-like the character seems. In the soaps, two primary emotions are used by the characters: hostility and hysteria. A friendly greeting by one character is often met with a torrent of abuse from a second. It’s a rare occasion when a character’s dialog isn’t filled with argumentation, whining or out-right threats. Listening to this dialog becomes irritating and demonstrates what a reader will experience if we writers use limited and repetitious character reactions.

Multidimensional Characters: These types of characters are inherently more interesting to readers than flat, one-dimensional characters. These latter types quickly grow stale and detract from other elements in the story. The soaps, however, specialize in single-dimension characters that never display any variations. Day after day, scene after scene, the characters remain as unchanging as the mountains. The same dialog, sentiments and verbal mannerisms are endlessly repeated. Of course, on TV, the characterization may be rigid but the costumes change, as does is the setting and the background music so the repetition doesn’t appear as static to the viewer as it does to a listener.

High Tension and Drama: Whenever the script calls for a strong emotion such as grief, terror, consternation, fear, love, dread, shock or apathy, the actors whisper their lines. Apparently, this is a code to tip off the viewer that a scene of high tension or deep emotion is taking place. This ploy is especially useful to fiction writers because it demonstrates the effect of uniform emotional responses by the entire cast. It’s not very entertaining and neither will be a story that uses this unvarying approach.

STORYTELLING ISSUES

Unnatural dialog: Nothing is more boring to me as a reader then stilted and unnatural dialog. Many novice writers have trouble understanding just what constitutes this type of dialog but the soaps provide countless examples. Characters lecture each other about an aspect of the plot that the entire cast already knows (as do the viewers). Known as expository dialog, it is to be avoided at all costs since the reader will instantly recognize it for what it is. Another facet of the soaps is that characters routinely give long-winded speeches punctuated with words that no one uses in ordinary conversations. Often, the dialog clashes with the character’s persona. For instance, a character portraying a poorly educated worker will suddenly spout large, obscure words that make a listener wonder if the character understands what he just said.

Foreign accents: Writing instructors caution against giving a character a foreign accent. One reason is that it is difficult to be consistent with the accent from one scene to the next. A more important reason is that the accent soon becomes irksome to the reader. The soaps offer endless proof of this guideline. Many of the shows have one or more characters spouting dialog with an accent so wretched it is amusing. For a short while. An alternative to these accents is to let the character use an occasional foreign word in the dialog. The foreign word reminds the reader of the character’s background.

Clichés: Clichés are the bane of writers everywhere. Nevertheless, the dialog in the soaps drips with clichés. Every imaginable cliché can be heard on these shows, and not occasionally but constantly. To listen to this smorgasbord of platitudes is to understand the prohibition against using them.

Links:
 
Website: http://hankquense.com/

Blog: http://hankquense.com/blog

Facebook fan page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Hank-Quenses-Fiction-Writing-Page/102293491907?v=wall

Twitter: http://twitter.com/hanque99

Check back on December 3rd to read the final part of this article.

ARTICLE: Daytime TV: A Valuable Addition to Your Writer's Toolbox - Part 1

Hank Quense writes humorous and satiric fantasy and scifi and an occasional work on fiction writing.  This material was taken from his book on fiction writing Build a Better Story. See http://hankquense.com/BABS-main.html for more details on the book. 

*********************************

Daytime TV:  A Valuable Addition to Your Writer's Toolbox - Part 1 - by Hank Quense

(c) 2008 Hank Quense

Fiction writers need all the tools they can find, but over time, these tools can become dull and rusty. When this happens to me, I turn to daytime TV. These programs are bashed by critics and viewers, but I have a different spin on these show; I find them, especially the soaps, to be very educational. I write Science Fiction and Fantasy fiction and an exposure to the these programs improves and sharpens my writing skills. How? By providing vivid demonstrations of what happens when a writer ignores the accepted dictums of the craft. The soaps have a wealth of writing violations that can be exploited by experienced and beginning writers as a whetstone to sharpen their crafting tools.

I have no intention of disparaging the script writers for these soaps. I can’t produce a new script or story every day the way they can and I have nothing but respect for their ability to do this. However, the necessity of getting a show on the air means they can revise their scripts only for a short period of time. I, on the other hand, can revise my stories as often as I want, over long periods of time. My early drafts are sprinkled with faults such as I discuss here, but I have the time to weed them out before I submit them to an editor. This is an advantage I have over the script writers.

Using the soaps to fine-tune one’s writing skills requires a special technique. You have to listen to the TV, not watch it. By only listening, the writer will approximate the experience of a reader perusing a book. In other words, you will be using only a single sensory input, but it will be audible instead of visual. The danger in watching the screen is that is you will encounter a variety of sensations, including the spoken word, music, sound effects and colors in the costumes and settings. These multiple inputs will prevent you from getting the point of the illustration.

I have arranged my findings in three groups: Characterization Issues, Storytelling Issues, and Story Issues.

Links:


Website: http://hankquense.com/

Blog: http://hankquense.com/blog

Facebook fan page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Hank-Quenses-Fiction-Writing-Page/102293491907?v=wall

Twitter: http://twitter.com/hanque99

 
Check back on December 1st and 3rd for Parts 2 and 3 of this article.

Author Interview with WALTER RHEIN

When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up—and why? How did it all turn out?

I suppose the first thing I was interested in being was a lawyer simply because my dad was a lawyer. Although your earliest ambitions generally end up much different in practice than what they were when you initially dreamed them, oftentimes there are some pretty strong roots of similarity. In some ways, I suppose pursuing a degree in English literature (as I did) is similar to law since it's essentially communication and the art of argument.

The first time I seriously considered writing as a career was when I got a story published in a small journal as a freshman in high school. However, writing, as most people well know, isn't great for a consistent, stable income. In order to "feed my writing habit" as I like to say, I eventually moved to Lima, Peru where I could live inexpensively. While I was there I worked as a teacher, translator, and editor as well as a freelance writer. I have to admit, there were plenty of nights that I laid awake wondering if I wasn't making a terrible mess of my life. All my friends were putting in their time toiling away in entry-level jobs at major corporations with the hope that one day it would somehow pay off. I, on the other hand, was a complete free-agent, and it seemed that if the writing didn't turn out I'd be in big trouble in the future. I usually managed to pacify myself by rationalizing that at the very least I was becoming fluent in Spanish and that, at least, should be a marketable skill.

It all seems to have worked out however. I think anybody will fall victim to a little bit of fear and trepidation when they set off to follow their dreams. In the end, I guess you have to ask yourself whether the fear of giving up the stability of a conservative/traditional life outweighs the fear of not pursuing whatever it is you feel is your destiny to pursue. I've tried giving up writing many times, but I just can't. At some point along the way, I just decided to stop fighting the current and go "all in."

Sure, I've made some mistakes along the way. But overall, I wouldn't change anything.

How much of your personal life and beliefs wind up in your writing?

Probably more than I'm willing to admit or could even recognize myself. This question actually has relevance in many different layers. To begin with, I'd like to believe that the noble characters in my works are reflective of me. However, I think a lot of the nobility that I or anyone writes about is more theoretical than anything we've put into practice or have experience with. It's one of the sad tragedies of the human condition that we're able to perceive moral propriety and admire the beauty of compassion, but we sometimes lack the ability to actually render those noble philosophical concepts into reality.

When I was in Peru I saw a lot of poverty and I did the best I could to help as many people as I could, but I simply lacked the resources to save everyone. In addition to that moral quandary, you have to consider whether the acts you are performing are even beneficial in the end. For example, I learned quickly that it was no good giving change to street children since they just gave it to their "handlers" who used it to buy drugs. If you want to give something to a street kid, go into a local market and buy a turkey sandwich or something. Sure, you haven't solved the problem, but at least you haven't contributed to the dark side of it. In the end, I felt the best way for me to help out was to educate people, so I spent a lot of time teaching in poor areas. Unfortunately, my degree is in English (although that was pretty helpful to many of them). Still, I often lamented that I never took a course on how to make a cheap and efficient water filtering system using only local materials or something useful like that.

People often reflect that it's the evil characters in novels that are more interesting than the good ones, and I think that's probably because the ones telling the tales have more true experience in evil rather than good. Not because writers are evil, but because we're mortal and on a daily basis it's abundantly clear that you could be helping more people if only you could figure out how. In the end, we all do the best we can, and we probably shouldn't really beat ourselves up so much (but we still do).

So I guess to answer your question: the good characters in my novels represent my noble but probably unrealistic perception of what is "good," and the "evil" characters represent specific situations in which I have fallen short of the person I think I should be (and, for which, I constantly punish myself for...maybe unfairly...maybe not).

Tell us how long you’ve been writing and what prompted you to write fantasy novels.

I've been writing stories from the moment I first figured out how to make letters. The other day I was going through some old things and I was kind of embarrassed to find box after box just filled with notebooks jam-packed with my nearly illegible handwriting. It was one of those situations where I was able to view things as if from outside myself, and the first thing that went through my head was, "this guy's a psycho...just LOOK at all those notebooks!" The worst of it is that I can't even read anything I wrote since my handwriting is so bad (none of it's probably any good anyway, in my experience, you should just throw away about 95% of what you write).

Honestly, if I don't write something every day then I get a little bit twitchy. It's sort of like cutting your fingernails, if I don't get the words out of my brain I just can't relax.

I've always enjoyed fantasy just because you can do whatever you want in it. Sometimes I think people make a little bit too much fuss about the difference between genres. They're all just words in the end after all, and if you like the book it's because you like the characters. The nice thing about fantasy is that you're allowed to use more colorful words. You can have red dragons and blue oceans and green forests and your readers can immerse themselves in a vibrant cartoon world that is a magnified and enhanced version of their own dreary (probably urban) reality. I think most people pick up a book in order to escape into something more beautiful, and although the grayscale of an urban environment can be beautiful too, I'm just the kind of guy that's drawn to color.

Your most recent novel, THE BONE SWORD, was just released. Tell us all about it.

"The Bone Sword" is a straight piece of pursuit fiction that is designed to keep the reader entertained and the pages turning. It's one of those books that's got a lot of battles, and action that is designed to get the blood boiling. My hero, Malik, is a deeply troubled fellow who is constantly in the grips of self-doubt. I hadn't thought about it before, but I guess he's a little bit like Batman in a way. He doesn't hesitate to do what he thinks is right even if the consequences could be extremely bad for him. Unlike Batman, however, he's not afraid to use lethal force.

What does the future hold for you?

I've got another project in the works with Rhemalda called "Birkie Fever" which is a travel memoir about cross-country skiing. I'm really excited about this book and I'll be going through the edits with Rhemalda in the upcoming months.

I'm also working on a sequel to "The Bone Sword" which will probably be published in April of 2012.

I'm currently living in the US, but my wife and I would like to get on the road again as soon as possible. We'll definitely be heading to Peru in the summer of 2011 to see the extended family and show off our lovely daughter Sofia who was born in July of 2010.

What kind of a career do you hope to have?

I've thought about this a lot. I think many people are under the impression that once you get a book deal, it's all gravy, as if cash just comes raining down from the skies. While that might be nice if it were true (it might not be nice too...odd as that is to think), the truth about writing is that at the end of your career, I'd guess most writers, even very successful writers, are only paid about a penny for every hour of work they do over their lifetimes.

Honestly, I feel very happy to have been fortunate enough to sign a couple book contracts over the last few years since it's been just enough to justify, at least in my mind, the huge amount of effort I've put into learning to write. Even sitting here typing this I can't help but kind of chuckle since writing is such an absurd activity to pursue.

All I want out of this is to be able to pump out a couple books a year that entertain people. They don't have to be regarded as masterpieces, they just have to be effective and people have to like them. I'm willing to live cheaply to pursue this, but with the arrival of my daughter, my perceptions of the world have changed. Five years ago I would have told you that I would be willing to live under a bridge and I'd be happy too as long as I had a mechanical typewriter. Now, however, my darling little girl needs to be kept warm, dry, and well-fed.

What I'm trying to say is that my goals as a writer aren't to become rich and famous. I'm in this for the long-haul. For me, writing is a regular 40+ hour a week job for minimum wage, and I'm 100% happy with that since it's all I want to do.

What are the addresses of your website, blog, and other online presences?

I have a blog about Peru that's fairly popular called "Streets of Lima" at:  http://streetsofperu.blogspot.com/

This page has a Facebook group called "Expatriates of Peru" which gets a monthly newsletter. You can join here:  http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=128685107970

I also have a Fantasy blog called "Swordreaver" at:  http://walterrhein.blogspot.com/

This page has a Facebook group called "Heroic Fantasy" which also receives a monthly newsletter. You can join here:  http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=108822105819999&ref=ts

I also have a blog about running, bicycling, and skiing called "CyclovaXC" at:
http://www.cyclova-xc.blogspot.com/

This page has a Facebook group with a bi-monthly newsletter. You can join here:
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=158112686030

I also appear from time to time on the Rhemalda blog at:  http://www.rhemalda.com/info/

Thanks so much for taking the time to interview me!

Guest Blogger: MICHAELBRENT COLLINGS

WRITE, DANGITALL!

A Humble Little Post About how to Kiss Your Writer’s Block Goodbye

(And Maybe Punch it in the Crotch on the way out)

I'll always remember it. Late in the spring of ’82 when I was young and the world was spread before me like something that spreads before you when you’re young.

So I walked into the O.R. and said, “Scalpel.” The lady (I think it was probably a nurse, but who can say when everyone’s wearing a mask – it could have been some desperado in a pink outfit) handed me a scalpel. “I’m making the first incision,” I said. Then I started with the bone saw. “Oooh, look,” was my next comment. “It’s his brain.”

I poked it, and laughed HI-lariously when the fellow kicked a nearby bedpan. Another poke and he shouted “Fruity tooty love your booty!”

At this point several armed officers escorted me out of the room. But in spite of the fact that I was in prison for a while (turns out there are rules about doing brain surgery when you are not, in fact, a doctor of any kind), I’ll always have those great memories. The guy I operated on probably won’t, but that’s a risk I was willing to take.

“Wait, wait, WAIT! What the heck does this have to do with being a writer and avoiding writer’s block?” I hear you say.

To which I answer: everything, suckah.

Here’s the big secret about writer’s block: writer’s block usually doesn’t mean a writer has nothing in him or her to write; rather it usually means they do have something to write, but there’s some kind of internal crap filter that keeps them from writing it. As though there’s a part of most writers that insists that every single sentence be an appropriate calling card for the Nobel Prize for Literature. Or at least a Hugo or something.

But that’s just dumb. Not everything you write will be perfect. And it’s not supposed to be perfect. That’s what God invented re-writes for.*

So wait, now you agree I may have a point, but still aren’t getting the whole brain surgery connection. Well, it’s simple, my fine young friend.** The point of the brain surgery example is to illustrate a simple fact about writing: unless you are in charge of correspondence between hostile states, it is very likely that no matter how bad a writer you are, no one will die.

Person who does brain surgery without adequate preparation = bad (and probably dead brain surgery patient). Person who engages in writing without adequate preparation = fine-and-dandy-because-how-the-heck-else-are-you-going-to-get-good-at-it? So the stakes are low and you can write without worrying about killing someone. Takes a load off, don’t it?

And that leads to this question: You want to know how to avoid writer’s block? Answer: Just WRITE. Accept the fact some of what you write will not be fit for wiping Charley Manson’s behind. When you accept that, you can also accept that you’ll be able to go back and fix it later (thus making what you write fit for wiping the hinies of really important folks like the President or Oprah or other people who run the world).

And when you start to write with this attitude, an odd thing happens: you start to get good. You start to get fast. You start to be a writer who knows you can sit down at a moment’s notice and bang out something that resembles a good piece of work.

Example: I recently optioned a screenplay, and was asked to do some rewrites on it. I netted several tens of THOUSANDS of dollars. Total time to write the script: three days. Total time to do the rewrites: two days.

That’s a good earnings ratio.

Or how about this: I wrote a book called Billy: Messenger of Powers (which, BTW, you can get at smashwords.com at http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/14118 or at http://www.amazon.com/Billy-Mesenger-of-Powers-ebook/dp/B003K16OMY on amazon.com). The book is pretty good: it’s currently the Highest-Rated book out of many thousands at smashwords.com, and has gotten great reviews from dozeons of folks. All this to say (aside from being a really subtle way of pimping one of my books) is that the book does not stink. It is even possible to call it “good.”

It is over 180,000 words. That’s well over 400 pages in paperback format.

I wrote it – including rewrites – in a month. Because I just let myself write, and let myself enjoy it.

Writing is NOT brain surgery. It is NOT nuclear weapons testing. It is WRITING. It is something that anyone and everyone can do. And along with that fact, it is also something that anyone and everyone WILL get good at.

If they practice.

If they recognize “writer’s block” for what it really is: they’re own insecurity getting in the way of a good first draft.

If they, in a word… write.

So what are you sitting around reading this for? Go write something!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Michaelbrent Collings is a lawyer, screenwriter, black-belt martial artist, father, husband, and has a killer backhand on the badminton court. He is, in a word (wait, that's several words!), a guy going through some serious personality issues.

He wrote Billy: Messenger of Powers because his wife was tired of being scared by the stories he was telling her (especially the one about the girl under the bed...) and wanted something more light, more airy, and with fewer dead people. There have been worse reasons to write a story.

In addition to Billy, he’s also written screenplays, several fairy tales, a couple of nonfiction books, and dozens of articles on a variety of subjects. He even has a blog at http://www.whoisbillyjones/mylittlethoughts that lets you delve into the inner creakings of a warped mind.

And if you’re still game for more, you can “friend” him on his Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Michaelbrent-Collings/283851837365, which will give you early heads-ups on his writing adventures and also gives you a pity Thought For The Day (“TFTD”) that is worth every penny you pay for it.

Michaelbrent currently resides in Los Angeles, California, with his wife, two kids, and several imaginary friends, all of whom are too cool to invite Michaelbrent to their parties.

* Unless you don’t believe in God, in which case I guess you’re just going to burn in Hell, where you will have writer’s block forever and also will probably have to sit next to me while I smack my chewing gum very loudly.

**You may in fact be a cruddy old coot, but since we’ve never met I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt. Just like you’re going to imagine me with a thick head of hair.





© 2010 by Michaelbrent Collings

All Rights Reserved

Interview with MICHAELBRENT COLLINGS

Your book, BILLY: MESSENGER OF POWERS, wasn’t published in the traditional way. Tell us why not and how you accomplished getting it into the hands (and ears) of the public.

BILLY: MESSENGER OF POWERS was not published in the "traditional" way mostly because I got tired of killing entire rainforests with query letters. Not only that, but due to the fact that most "traditional" publishing houses require that you send them the book one at a time (no sharesies!), that means that each rejection takes six months to a year... time during which I'm not really allowed to do much with my book other than cause the ink to run with the my unrequited tears. Also I dropped my soda pop on it, which may have had something to do with the ink running. But mostly it was the tears thing.

In addition, I also published it as an e-book because (not to sound like a snot but...) EVERYONE who read it loved the thing. I figured I'd be able to move the product myself, and if that was the case, why share so much of the profits when I'm doing all the work? It seems to be working so far. The book is selling well for Kindle on amazon.com, and it is the Number One Highest Rated book at smashwords.com (which has thousands of books, so it's not like I'm number one of three or something, though that would be cool too).

So... I'm not a bizillionaire yet, but I've definitely got my eye on a small private jet that has my name all over it. Speaking of which, it turns out that spray painting your name on a jet goes under the heading of "graffiti" rather than "marking your territory." Word to the wise.

And, not to make ALL this irrelevant, but in addition to the e-versions that are out there, Billy actually is coming out in print form in a few months. It's all part of a little plan I call "Gradually Taking Over the World."

You wear many hats: writer, screenwriter, attorney, black belt, father and husband. (I’m sure I’m leaving out about a dozen others, as well.) Do you compartmentalize these portions of your life or do you blend them together? Share with us the secret of your serious multi-tasking abilities.

I blend everything together in a very compartmentalized way. Which sounds funny, but it's actually true. When I'm a writer, I'm generally not punching something. When I'm doing martial arts, as a rule I try not to take my laptop to fights. And of course when I'm a father and/or husband I try to avoid punching AND writing since the other people involved feel hurt and/or ignored and/or a need to go to the hospital. But at the same time, you can't keep things completely separate. Billy: Messenger of Powers, for example, is a Young Adult fantasy novel. So there are dragons and mermaids and such. But some of my favorite characters are the Kung Fu Cleaners, a group of obsessive compulsive rock monsters who clean everything they can... and also know karate. Obviously I got that from a combination of having to clean house and do karate on my kids - er, I mean, encourage them with love to learn how to clean their rooms.

So everything stays apart, but everything comes together. It's very deep and I'll give you a minute to think about it and also now's a good point to take a bathroom break if you want.

What is Writer’s Block and how do we avoid it? (Didn’t you write a book about this?)

Why yes, I DID write a book on that (funny you should ask!). The book is called How to be a Writer, and it's available at amazon.com and smashwords.com as well. It's more of an essay than a book, but the point is that I think writer's block is really more ofa dsf a'dsfkja'sdna;gua[rp'tj'a bx ag'agk.

Now, the above may seem like nonsense, but it's really code. Because if I TELL you, WHY WOULD YOU BUY THE BOOK? Also, I'm going to do a guest blog for this wonderful website, and I'll be talking about that very subject in the blog, so if I tell now, why would you read the blog? Sheesh.

In the short duration of our “relationship,” I’ve sensed a thread of humor in everything you say and do. How important do you think having a sense of humor is to a writer—and why?

First of all, I told you not to tell anyone about our relationship! My wife just wouldn't understand! To say nothing of my three mistresses and a couple of very protective sales people who work at Baby Gap (don't ask). But social faux pas aside, I don't know what you're talking about. I think Mr. Spock said it best when he said "Emotion, Captain? I don't believe I understand the question." That was in one of the Lost Episodes (as opposed to an episode of Lost, which is totally different).

But seriously (as if THAT boat hadn't sailed long ago), I think a sense of humor is critical. The line between horror and humor is very thin. So humor is a necessity if you're going to place yourself in a position where anyone can take a shot at you. Sure, most of the time people love me and my work. Sure, I'm attractive and some would even describe me as "billionaire playboy." But once in a while there is someone who doesn't like my work, or me, or my family, or the ground I walk on. And in that case I have to have a sense of humor about it. Which is why I tell knock-knock jokes right before I shoot those haters.

If you could play badminton with one historical figure, who would it be – and why?

Probably Ghandi. 'Cause I'd point out that if he beat me it would be like he was engaging in warfare and so while he was off on a hunger strike I'd WAIL ON HIM! Either that or Gumby. I know, a lot of people don't count him as a historical figure, but that would be the perfect way to prove all those doubters wrong!  [Blog Hostess Comment:  "Since I remember him from my childhood, and I've passed middle age, that makes him a historical figure."]

If you had to write something for your tombstone, what would it be? P.S. it has to be something true.

I'd love it if I could truthfully write 'Michaelbrent Collings - not perfect, but got a little better each day.'

P.S. This is also a good question to ask people on a first date. Nothing like talk of death to reel the right one out. It's how I got my wife. That and the proper administration of some sedatives at just the right moment.

What are the addresses of your websites, blogs, and other online presences?

Well, I'm fairly ubiquitous. So here they are (you asked).

http://www.whoisbillyjones.com/ - it's the "official" site of all things Billy Jones and has had over 1/4 million hits. It links to places you can get the books in e-format as well as linking to a place where you can get a terrific audio version of the book done by a really dynamite guy named Andy Bowyer (he's at abvoices.com - get yours today!)

http://www.amazon.com/s?_encoding=UTF8&search-alias=books&field-author=Michaelbrent%20Collings - this is where you can see the list of all my books available for Kindle on amazon.com. Billy is there, along with a couple of fairy tales, and some nonfiction work

http://www.smashwords.com/books/search?query=michaelbrent+collings - this is where you can get my books in other e-formats. Like I said before, Billy is currently the number one highest rated book on the entire site, and that and two of my other books hold the top three spots in the highest rated children's books category. Yee-haw!

http://www.whoisbillyjones.com/mylittlethoughts - this is my blog. It's got a lot of rambling and no coherent throughline, but if you want to know what Voltron has to do with parity of the sexes, or why email is the devil, or why I miss Action Men (this makes sense only if you read the blog), then My Little Thoughts is the way to go.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Michaelbrent-Collings/283851837365 - my Facebook fan page where (if you click "Like") you can get heads-ups on my writing adventures, first notifications of new blog entries at My Little Thoughts, and a bona fide Thought For The Day ("TFTD") that is guaranteed to amaze and astound or your money back.

There's actually more, but let's face it, I've put you through enough for one day. Plus, you still have my Guest Blog to fear - er, look forward to. [It's scheduled for 7/14, folks!  - LF]  Always leave them wanting more... Or, in my case, always leave them. At least, that's what my mom said right before she booted me out of the house. (Just kidding, she had the cops do it.)

Thanks for letting me bend your ear a bit. Happy reading!